Instead of cutting hair, Ramirez to wear new, technologically advanced Speedo suit

LOS ANGELES — In need of some more quickness and in an effort to comply with the Dodgers’ clean dress code, Manny Ramirez had been talking about cutting off the mountain of dreadlocked hair atop his head.

In the last several days, however, Ramirez has abruptly changed course. After watching the Olympics “pretty much nonstop” over the last week-plus, the quirky outfielder has made plans for a new, technology-based solution for his appearance.

“After watching the amazing things that have unfolded at the Water Cube over the past week, I have decided not to cut my hair,” Ramirez told SSNN. “Instead, I will be wearing a specially designed body suit from Speedo, which, due to its advanced aerodynamic construction and specially fused seams, will keep my body more rigid and streamlined and thus allow me to better achieve my object – smacking homers.

“Records will fall,” Ramirez declared. “Did you see what happened in the Olympics when these guys were wearing these suits? No record is safe. Watch out Babe Ruth, I’m going to take your single season home run record away!”

Ramirez said the body suit takes him a half hour to put on, and that it requires the assistance of another Dodger.

“It’s also very hot in the outfield,” Ramirez said. “The thing is designed to keep in warmth, so it gets a little toasty.”

Pending what happens with Ramirez, several other Dodgers are thinking about the body suits. Chad Billingsley has reportedly already spoken to Speedo, but balked when told he would have to sew four individual suits together.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!