ESPN exploring new frontiers in poker coverage

BRISTOL, CT — As the new season of ESPN poker programming hits the air, network execs are promising a very exciting summer filled with the freshest poker coverage you’ve ever seen.

“This year is going to be amazing,” said George Bodenheimer, ESPN’s president. “We’re going to test the boundaries of what you’ve seen before on TV. You’ve never seen poker like this.”

When pressed for further explanation, Bodenheimer was glad to provide several examples.

“Last year we showed Daniel Negreanu going all-in with both hands,” he said. “But this year, we’ve got an episode where he pushes all his chips in with just one hand. That’s right, you heard me – a one-handed all-in from Daniel Negreanu! It’s going to be unreal.”

After waiting several seconds for the impact of a one-handed all-in to sink into this reporter’s brain, Bodenheimer continued.

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“We didn’t stop there though,” the ESPN exec went on. “We’ve got an episode where Chris ‘Jesus‘ Ferguson takes only 11 seconds to make a decision! Normally he takes 15 seconds or so, but in this episode, I don’t know if something was going on at home, and so he rushed it, or if he just lost his cool, but it’s unbelievable stuff to see. The viewers are going to absolutely freak.”

Norman Chad, who, along with Lon McEachern, hosts the show, said he’s also got some new tricks.

“I’ve got a whole new series of jokes about my divorce,” Chad said. “Really edgy stuff. Most of the time it’ll just come out of the blue and hit you – BAM! I’m divorced! You won’t even be expecting it, or even think that there’s any reason for me to be talking about it. This season is going to be legendary.”

Bodenheimer said that the network had to go to special lengths to make sure that the viewers were able to get their fill of the fabulous programming.

“The best part is that we’re going to be able to show these episodes basically nonstop on ESPN2,” he said. “I just have a feeling that it’s going to take a long time for people to really understand the nuances of these episodes. We’ve got a show where Phil Hellmuth goes all-in pre-flop with Ace-Queen against Mike Matusow’s pair of eights. I mean, you expect John Q. Public to be able to get the magnitude of that on only one viewing? Yeah, that’s what I thought.”