Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids.

“I want him on the cream, the clear, HGH and anything else we got,” said Colletti, who appeared to be at his wit’s end with Jones’ struggles. “I don’t care if he shoots it, snorts it, smokes it, swallows it, or rubs himself off with it! Get me Victor Conte on the phone now!”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig surprisingly approved Colletti’s radical plan.

“I am normally against using performance enhancing drugs, but there are times when I think it’s appropriate to make exceptions,” Selig told SSNN. “I am more concerned about embarrassing this league, and Andruw Jones’ performance is even more embarrassing than that dream I have about spooning with Roger Goodell. Here’s a guy who won a Silver Slugger and the Hank Aaron Award only three years ago, and now he couldn’t hit a grapefruit in a soft-toss drill. I’ve seen bat girls that can hit better than Andruw.

Colletti credits new manager Joe Torre for suggesting that Jones use anabolic steroids. Torre, who said he “ordinarily would just turn the other cheek when a guy wants to juice up,” was concerned that Jones would never come to the idea on his own and felt like the club had to push their center fielder to do the right thing.

“Joe came up to me one day after Andruw went 0-for-4 with four strikeouts and told me his idea,” Colletti said. “At first I was against it, but he started telling me about how well the stuff worked with guys like Giambi, Pettitte and Clemens. We were gonna bat him ninth – you know, behind the pitcher – but we were afraid teams might take the bat out of Brad Penny’s hands to get to Andruw. Ultimately, steroids just seemed like the most prudent course of action.”

In the past, Jones has put up some staggering numbers – including his career-high 51 homers in 2005 – but his futility this season has been far more amazing. In 205 at bats so far, he has amassed only 33 hits, for a .161 batting average. With a deal paying him approximately $9 million this season, Jones projects to receive approximately $170,000 dollars per hit.

“We’ve run the numbers, and there’s no way we’ll look back and say, ‘Hey, that was a good deal signing Andruw Jones like that,’” a visibly frustrated Colletti admitted to SSNN. “But with a little artificial assistance, we’re hoping against hope that our second-highest paid player will at least finish the year above the Mendoza line.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!