Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA — Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade,

about six hours before his first appearance with the team.

Ramirez, formerly of the Boston Red Sox, was traded yesterday afternoon from the Red Sox to the Dodgers in a three way deal also involving the Pirates. Ramirez had loudly demanded to be traded from the organization, citing alleged mistreatment. Ramirez’s frequently bizarre pattern of behavior–cutting off outfield throws, listening to music while in the field, assaulting traveling secretaries, refusing to hustle on anything less than an off-the-wall double–popularly known as “Manny being Manny–is widely acknowledged to be an additional factor for the slugger’s release. It appears, however, that Ramirez has taken an instant dislike to his new surroundings in Los Angeles and has promptly demanded another trade.

“L.A. doesn’t respect me, man,” the 12-time All-star told ESPNdeportes late last night. “It’s the same thing as Boston and Cleveland. They think they can tell me what to do. Joe Torre thinks he the boss of me.”

When told of his new outfielder’s comments, manager Joe Torre responded by indicating that he may have crossed the line with the enigmatic slugger.

“I shouldn’t have been so overbearing,” Torre said. “On the phone, I was like, ‘Hey Manny great to have you with us, we’re deep in a division race so we’ll need to get you out on the field as soon as possible.’ So I really may have overdone it a bit.”

“‘Get me in the field,’” the 36-year-old power hitter told ESPN. “What is this? I’m done with that fielding thing, man. I’m a DH now, straight up.” When informed that he was now playing in the National League, which does not offer a Designated Hitter, Ramirez promptly responded, “No DH? Are you kidding me right now? What is this, little league? That’s garbage, it’s like, the 20th century man. But whatever, just another reason why I don’t want to be here. And what’s the rush, anyway? You’re in a division race, big deal. You’ll still be a game or two out in two or three weeks, right?”

Ramirez is currently hitting .299 with 20 homeruns and 68 RBI, and stands with a total of 510 career homeruns, and is considered to be a good fit for the struggling Dodgers, who stand a game behind the Diamondbacks despite being only one game over .500 in the pitiful NL West.

When told of his recent acquisition’s immediate discontent, general manager Ned Colletti was philosophical.

“You know, maybe Manny’s right,” Colletti said. “Maybe we are all in too big of a rush. Maybe if we just slow things down, good things will happen. I’m gonna call Manny and tell him that he can report whenever he wants.”

Still, it was no dice with Ramirez, who listed further complaints including his $20 million dollar annual salary, a scant $17 million above the league’s average, expectations from the Dodgers that he show up to play every day, and a lack of an outfield wall where he can cool-off in-between pitching changes.

“I’d like to find a better place to play,” Ramirez said. “There are some places in this country where they know how to respect players. Unfortunately L.A. does not seem to be one of them. Maybe they can trade me to Boston, though. I have very fond memories of my time there.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!