Bengals hope to sign most of Georgia football team

CINCINNATI, OH — The Cincinnati Bengals have turned the full resources of their scouting department toward Georgia, especially two members of the state university’s football team who were removed during the offseason for their role in a bar brawl. “When we are evaluating college talent, we seek to find the sort of athletes who project to be the type of players that can succeed on the NFL level,” said Bengals Director of Player Personnel Luke Tobin. “Donavon Baldwin and Marcus Dowtin are two guys that we’ve especially got our eyes on. But we’re not just looking at those two, we are looking to any Bulldogs who may be able to make the leap to NFL-caliber criminal activity. Right now they’re in the hospital because they got hit in the head with beer bottles, but when they get out, we really feel like they could be something. You know, bar brawlers project very nicely into misdemeanor possessions of marijuana or even involuntary manslaughters. Hell, you never know, you could hit the jackpot and get an attempted murder. After all, Chris Henry was the 83^rd pick, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!