Astros put down El Caballo

HOUSTON, TX — Astros Owner Drayton McLane and General Manager Ed Wade hung their heads in collective sorrow at a news conference this morning from the Astros Press Room.

“Carlos ‘El Caballo’ Lee was officially euthanized at 3:17 AM today,” McLane somberly announced. “Our thoughts and prayers are with his trainer and his family. He had a lot of heart. He will be missed.”

This was just another incident in a disturbing trend that has plagued horses in recent months. It was a scene vaguely reminiscent of the Preakness – El Caballo (Spanish for the horse) was hit on his hand by a Bronson Arroyo pitch, breaking it in six places.

“He immediately went down in obvious agony,” Wade recounted. “I felt so bad for the big guy. He’s been a real spark to the team, and he plays every game with such enthusiasm. But it was pretty obvious what we were going to have to do.

“I credit the training staff for at least getting him off the field. We had a whole contingent of Boy Scouts in the stands, and little kids really don’t need to see that. I called down to Cecil [Cooper, Astros manager] and told him what I thought we had to do. He begged to at least wait until we could get him X-rayed.”

Cooper, clearly struggling to come to grips with the reality of the situation, commented on what happened next.

“I knew in the back of my head it was over for the poor guy, but I had to hope maybe it wasn’t as bad as it looked,” a still-saddened Cooper explained. “I had the trainers take him back to the locker room area and get him x-rayed. I cried for an hour when I found out he had broken his hand in six places. We had a lot of time and money invested in him, and now that’s gone. Poor El Caballo – we will truly miss him.”

El Caballo was then taken from the trainer’s table to a small room in the back of the clubhouse.

“We tried to make him as comfortable as possible,” Astros head athletic trainer Dave Labossiere said. “He was in a lot of pain, but being the fighter he is he wouldn’t admit it. It made my job so much harder having to listen to him yell and scream about him being a person and not a horse. Poor, poor El Caballo. Such pain, such denial. Oh, why couldn’t he just go quietly into the night!”

The Astros plan to have a public ceremony to honor their fallen left fielder next Saturday before their game against the division rival St. Louis Cardinals. Anyone with an El Caballo jersey will be given free admission. He will be buried in a private ceremony on his ranch just outside of Houston. He was 32 years old.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!