Artemev refused to compete unless carried off by Karolyi

BEIJING, CHINA — U.S. Olympic gymnast Alexander “Sasha” Artemev put on quite a show on the pommel horse Monday night, ensuring that the United States would win a bronze medal in the men’s team gymnastics competition. However, Artemev almost didn’t take the floor.

In a stunning move, Artemev had announced yesterday that he would refuse to participate in the upcoming competition unless he received assurances that he would be carried off by former U.S. Olympic coach Bela Karolyi should he capture the gold.

“If I’m not gonna be carried off by Bela, then it’s not even worth winning gold,” Artemev told SSNN. “I came here to win, sure. But I want to leave a legacy as well, and I believe Coach Karolyi is the man who can help me secure that legacy. There’s got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, you know? A gold medal is nice, but immortality is nicer.

“I could break my foot beforehand if it makes him more comfortable.”

Karolyi retired from coaching after the 1996 Olympics, in which he famously carried injured gymnast Kerri Strug to the victor’s podium. He is currently in Beijing as an analyst for NBC.

“I don’t think it’s asking too much, frankly,” Artemev added. “I probably don’t weigh much more than Kerri Strug anyway – we gymnasts are pretty small people.”

Several of Artemev’s teammates supported his unorthodox request, and say they would have understood if he pulled out of the competition had the U.S. team and Karolyi refused to comply.

“It’s only fair,” said team leader and top gymnast Jonathan Horton. “Alex has worked very hard to get to this point, and I feel that if Bela is willing to carry a female gymnast all over the damn place, he should do it for a male one, too.”

Artemev was a late arrival to the team, added only after star Morgan Hamm was forced out with an ankle injury and Morgan’s brother Paul Hamm couldn’t compete due to a variety of ailments, including being a giant crybaby.

Karolyi told SSNN that while he found the request peculiar, he would happily do it if it would motivate Artemev to seek gold.

“Listen, it’s a weird request,” Karolyi said. “But is it any weirder than a grown man hanging out with 14-year-old girls for his entire life? I don’t think so. And if that is what it takes to push him over the top, then what kind of person would I be if I refused? I should warn him, though; I’m not a young man anymore. My back isn’t what it used to be.”

The U.S. team ended up winning bronze, of course, so the matter ended up being a non-issue. Nevertheless, Karolyi has agreed to carry Artemev to the team bus later in the Olympics, “just for laughs.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!