Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence

SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute her prison sentence for perjury. However, according to his email, Bush seems to have mixed up Marion Jones with another Jones of dubious moral integrity. Enjoy.

From: President George W. Bush (daspotus43@yahoo.com)
To: Joshua Bolten (boltzyerface@gmail.com)
Re: Marion Jones sentence commuting

Josh:

I saw this thing that Marion Jones wants to have his sentence commuted by me. This is that chap who is playing for the Cowboys? Frankly I don’t understand why we’d even think about commuting the sentence of Marion Pacman Jones.

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This Marion Pacman Jones guy shouldn’t be throwing money at strippers. I don’t think he is worthy of a commuted sentence. Not like Scooter Libby… he knew to just put the money in the panties. When you chuck the money all around the place, bad things happen. Anybody knows that.

I’ve never met Marion Pacman Jones; I also don’t understand why he insists on using two names. But whatever; someone just told me that he’s going to play for the Cowboys next year. If so, then screw it; go ahead and commute the sentence.

TTYL

GWB