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WNBA - Whatever it Takes to Keep People Watching

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina?

Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of you. You’re finally starting to realize what it will take to get sports fans to actually watch women’s basketball…or at least get you almost FIVE minutes (!!!) of air time on SportsCenter. Yeehaw.

But don’t let this be the end of it! We need to keep this momentum going in order to keep the public eye focused on women’s basketball. My expert advice? Use the keys to success that the male athletes and ladies in other sports have been using for years to keep fans tuned in. A few ideas:

CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS

I’m thinking Diana Taurasi…Nick Lachey…in Cabo…right before playoffs (the WNBA has those, right?) Maybe a teammate crying about it during a press conference soon afterward.

We could even give them a cute celebrity couple nickname like Dianick. Or Nickana. They should probably get into the whole Scientology thing and adopt a few African kids, too. Extra points for shaving your head or going to rehab.

NOT-SO-SECRET CELEBRITY AFFAIRS

Two requirements: The celebrity should 1) be old enough to be your parent and 2) have jacked up teeth.

Hmm…maybe Candace Parker and Mike Tyson?

Bonus: He could teach her how to throw a decent right hook instead of just half-tackling and clawing at someone like…well, a girl.

GET NAKED

Was it the US women’s soccer team’s amazing World Cup victory that got America paying attention to the sport for a whole week or two? Eff no. It was this:

Take your jersey off after every 3-pointer, and I can guarantee you’ll get a little extra time on the highlight reel.

GET REALLY NAKED

Showing some skin during the game will help, but this is the WNBA we’re talking about. It’s gonna take a lot more than a sports bra to really get some attention.

So I recommend Playboy. FHM. Maxim. Anyone that will let you get naked in front of a camera (unless it’s R. Kelly.) This, however, should be limited to those who look more Amanda Beard…

than Serena Williams in their birthday suits.

GO TO VEGAS

Get drunk. Lose Money. Get beat up. Have a hooker orgy.

RETIRE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

No, wait. Scratch that. That requires having fans who would care in the first place…

… Stupid fans. With obnoxious accents. That wear cheese on their heads. Good lord, I really hate Wisconsin.

So to the ladies of the Shock and the Sparks - congratulations on taking the first steps toward sacrificing every ounce of your dignity to gain popularity in the sports world. We can now officially call you pro athletes, and the Sports Biotch salutes you.

(Except you, Lisa Leslie. I’m disappointed. Don’t know you know that the only appropriate response to a man pushing you down on the ground is to break his jaw?)

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Labels: Alex Rodriguez, Amanda Beard, basketball, Brandi Chastain, Candace Parker, Detroit Shock, Diana Taurasi, ESPN, FHM, Green Bay Packers, Las Vegas, Lisa Leslie, Los Angeles Sparks, Madonna, Mike Tyson, Nick Lachey, nudity, retirement, Rick Mahorn, Serena Williams, soccer, SportsCenter, WNBA, World Cup

Posted on July 30th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Favre to return in new role (July 17, 2008)
WNBA finds new audience (March 18, 2007)
WNBA brawl punishments meted out (July 24, 2008)
WNBA All-Star Game attracts baker’s dozen (July 16, 2007)

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