WNBA brawl punishments meted out

AUBURN HILLS, MI — After more than 24 hours of speculation on what exactly would be done, punishments have been handed down for the participants in Tuesday night’s WNBA brawl in a form that few expected.

“Obviously we considered suspending a number of the ladies involved in this despicable and unfortunate event,” said league president Donna Orender. “But at the end of the day, the prevailing opinion throughout the league office is that suspensions would not be sufficient to get our point across. So we decided on a different approach.”

The approach of which Orender is speaking will not keep any of the players away from their teams or the game. Instead, the plan is to bind them to their teams in a more permanent fashion.

“The determination was that the only appropriate penalty for the offending players is to force them to play their entire basketball careers in the WNBA, where the empty arenas and general public disinterest will be a haunting reminder of the malfeasance and poor decision-making that contributed to this unsightly scuffle,” Orender told SSNN. “Obviously this will have a much greater effect on the players with actual basketball ability and athleticism, like Candace Parker and… well, mostly Candace. But we think it sends a message to everyone: fuck around, and you’ll be stuck here for life.”

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Of the 11 players to be punished under the new ruling, only Parker seemed upset by the league’s decision. In fact, Parker’s teammate and longtime WNBA veteran Lisa Leslie was actually happy about the development.

“I just turned 36, and my career is winding down here,” Leslie said. “I’m retiring after the year, and I just hated the idea of having to miss a game in my farewell season just because I decided to throw a couple punches at Rick Mahorn. Tell me if I’m missing something, but it seems like I’m basically getting off scott free here, right?”

Parker, however, is miserable after hearing the WNBA’s decision. She told SSNN she plans to appeal the decision and seek a suspension as punishment instead.

“WNBA for life? That sounds like some bullshit to me,” an angry and frustrated Parker told SSNN. “We drew better for intra-squad games at Tennessee than we do at most of our games, and now I’m supposed to be stuck here for my whole damn career? Does that not seem like a waste to anyone else? I mean, seriously – how am I supposed to change the basketball world if nobody is watching me?”