Waxman to look into competitive eating scandal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman – and America’s favorite watchdog – Henry Waxman, D-Calif., announced today that he will personally look into the competitive eating scandal that has all of America on the edge of its collective seat.

As SSNN first reported last week, rumors of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest winner Joey Chestnut’s use of digestive enzymes have called into question the legitimacy of the competition.

“Fear not, American public,” Waxman’s voice boomed as he proudly held a wind-blown American flag. “I am here to restore all that is good in our nation. The next time you watch a competitive eating competition, you can be assured it will be a non-performance-enhancing-drug aided contest of true eating ability.”

Even in the face of a potential Congressional hearing, Chestnut insists he has never taken digestive enzymes to improve his performance. The back-to-back champion also pointed out that he has never tested positive for digestive enzymes.

Chestnut’s rival and rumor-starter Takeru Kobayashi told SSNN he’s glad his concerns are being addressed, even though he is unsure what role Waxman plays in this whole situation.

“We don’t really need political intervention, we just need a testing policy,” he said. “This Waxman guy must have a lot of free time on his hands.”

Indeed, even Waxman himself has admitted he is having trouble filling his workday. That may begin to explain why the representative is working so hard to restore respectability to the once-proud sport of competitive eating.

“This is about having a young child watch a man eat 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes and knowing that one day, through hard work, he can grow up to eat 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes,” Waxman proclaimed. “Nothing says America like a hot dog eating contest on July 4, and I’ll be damned if I let some cheater ruin that for the people I represent.

“O’er the land of the free, and the home of the brave!”

For all of SSNN’s coverage of the competitive eating scandal, click here…

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!