Steroid prices to reach all-time high as demand increases

NEW YORK, NY — Wall Street analysts are predicting a steep increase in the price of anabolic steroids worldwide due to increased demand this summer, with some market watchers are predicting prices of up to five hundred dollars per dose of ‘unleaded’ Dianabol and over six hundred dollars per dose of human growth hormone (HGH).

“I honestly never thought I’d see prices get over five per dose,” said Jerry Benes, an investment consultant with the firm Michaels, Richards and Alexander. “Even under normal circumstances, with the baseball pennant races coming up, football training camps starting and the Tour de France, this is the time of year when the demand for performance-enhancing drugs goes up. And that doesn’t even count the year-round demand from pro wrestlers. This year, though, with the Olympics in China and the growing popularity of mixed martial arts fighting, demand for ‘the juice’ has hit an all-time high.”

Other analysts agreed with Benes’ analysis.

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Economist Steve Brendan of the firm Perry, Priestley and Green, has some recommendations for athletes during the coming lean times. “Whenever the supply of a precious commodity fails to meet increasing demand, users may want to practice conservation of this limited resource. We’ve seen some cases were athletes have tried ‘hybrid’ fuels - mixing their Clenbuterol with much cheaper fuel additives, such as crack cocaine or methamphetamines. Others have employed a more ‘natural’ approach, such as eating bull testicles or rhinoceros penis.

“We’ve even had reports of some baseball players conserving their natural testosterone by settling for a simple post-game blowjob from Alyssa Milano instead of the traditional standing-shower sex.”

SSNN placed calls to the commissioners of the major sports leagues to get their comments on this impending crisis, but no messages had been returned as of press time.

However, one anonymous source in an unnamed league office was willing to share his thoughts. “Well, you know somethin’, brother? I remember back in the day, when I was trainin’, sayin’ my prayers and takin’ my ’special vitamins’ back when they were cheap. Those ’special vitamins’ helped me body-slam that eight-hundred-pound Andre the Giant back at Wrestlemania III, brother. So whatcha gonna do when the price of androstenedione runs wild on you?”