SSNN forced to pull A-Rod story when it actually becomes true

CHICAGO, IL — The Serious Sports News Network is reeling today after an ironic twist of events which resulted in a scheduled story for the satire site being pulled from the rotation at the last minute, with no replacement piece in place.

“We were sitting there this morning, and we were thinking, ‘We’ve gotta do something about A-Rod‘ – you know, because of the divorce and whatnot,” said SSNN editor Kolsky. “Then we came up with this hilarious idea where A-Rod would actually be brainwashed by Madonna into thinking that Kabbalah is gonna be the answer to his postseason woes, and that that was the reason Cynthia was divorcing him! Hilarious, right?”

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But all the joking took a turn for the very serious when actual news reports began to suggest that, indeed, one of the main reasons that Cynthia Rodriguez chose to file for divorce was her husband’s increasingly spiritual relationship with the pop icon.

“It was one of those things that was so absurd that it was just perfect, you know,” Kolsky explained. “You’ve got two people who are so arrogant, and they’re connected with each other in this roundabout, rumor-filled way. And so we’re sitting there, looking at these pictures, and we’re thinking, ‘Obviously they’re doing it, right?’

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“So we tried to think of the most hilarious and inane thing that they could be doing, and we figured that the most completely ridiculous thing would be if they were studying Kabbalah together. I mean, can you imagine, these two mega-stars, having late night trysts, but instead of bumping uglies, they’re sitting there and reading Jewish mysticism? Look me in the face and tell me that story is not a satire masterpiece in the making.”

The staff at SSNN worked on the story late into the night on Sunday, and had it ready to print and queued up for a Monday morning release, when news broke that Cynthia Rodriguez was divorcing Alex, but that in fact it was not because of a sexual relationship with Madonna. Cynthia did, however, acknowledge that she felt A-Rod had been “brainwashed” by Madonna, in a clear reference to his Kabbalah studies, which began under Madonna’s tutelage. The fact that the SSNN story turned out to be the actual circumstances threw a major wrench in the plans of the staff.

“We totally panicked,” Kolsky said. “What are you going to do when your story actually becomes true? We had no plan for a circumstance like that – in all honesty, nothing liked this has ever even come close to happening before. So we basically have to come up with a new idea, totally from scratch.”

As dire as the circumstance seemed at the time, the SSNN staff rallied and was able to come up with several ideas that may work.

“We came up with a couple of pretty hilarious replacement headlines,” Kolsky said. “We’ve got one where Venus and Serena Williams actually admit that they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses, which could be decent. Then we’ve got another one where Cole Hamels is left off the All-Star team. So, even though it’s been a pretty scary time, we’ve got some options on the horizon. Everything gonna be alright.

“Still, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over not being able to print that Kabbalah story. I mean, if we had somehow run it the day before, we might very well have had real news on our site on Monday. Scary shit, man.”