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News Item

Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars

NEW YORK CITY, NY — In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team.

While most thought the team had been finalized – with the exception of the Final Vote players – baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced an extra spot on the American League team, which will be filled by a scratched copy of the movie Anchorman.

“Yes, we have added a damaged copy of Anchorman to the AL roster for the Midsummer Classic,” Selig told a swarm of curious reporters. “We started discussing it immediately after seeing that somehow, Jason Varitek was voted onto the team. Without putting too fine a point on it, Jason’s been sucking ass this year, and shouldn’t be going – but people inexplicably voted for him anyway. I guess no one else was available, since Jason Kendall already had plans to go see Wall-E.”

Selig went on to say that since Varitek is such a liability to the American League squad, he felt it was only fair to add something of similar value. The commissioner reasoned that Varitek is equal to about three-fifths of a player, and they needed a way to fill the other two-fifths.

Varitek refused to comment on the unusual situation – preferring instead to hit into some double plays – but the National League, for one, isn’t sure how to respond to the change in plans. Their reactions have been anything but positive.

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