Scratched DVD added to AL All-Stars

NEW YORK CITY, NY — In a surprising turn of events, MLB has decided to add another roster player to the 2008 American League All-Star team.

While most thought the team had been finalized – with the exception of the Final Vote players – baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced an extra spot on the American League team, which will be filled by a scratched copy of the movie Anchorman.

“Yes, we have added a damaged copy of Anchorman to the AL roster for the Midsummer Classic,” Selig told a swarm of curious reporters. “We started discussing it immediately after seeing that somehow, Jason Varitek was voted onto the team. Without putting too fine a point on it, Jason’s been sucking ass this year, and shouldn’t be going – but people inexplicably voted for him anyway. I guess no one else was available, since Jason Kendall already had plans to go see Wall-E.”

Selig went on to say that since Varitek is such a liability to the American League squad, he felt it was only fair to add something of similar value. The commissioner reasoned that Varitek is equal to about three-fifths of a player, and they needed a way to fill the other two-fifths.

Varitek refused to comment on the unusual situation – preferring instead to hit into some double plays – but the National League, for one, isn’t sure how to respond to the change in plans. Their reactions have been anything but positive.

“Seriously?” Marlins hard-hitting shortstop Hanley Ramirez exclaimed when he heard the news. “I don’t mind them subbing something for Tek. He sucks, so maybe some spotted bananas or stale potato chips—those things suck too—but a pretty good copy of Anchorman? What’s bad about that? I mean, how bad is the scratch? Does it not play through?”

Astros first baseman Lance Berkman also expressed concerns. “The problem is, we don’t know what’s ruined. For example, if the anchorman fight is completely intact, who isn’t gonna be motivated to smash some dingers after watching it? That’s what we’re worried about, the motivation factor. Plus, there’s a whole team of us who would also rather watch movies than play. So how is that fair?”

But the commissioner defended his decision against all criticism – from fans and players alike.

“Listen, we know the All-Star game blows for everyone. But since we have to play it, our hope is that the guys, when they’re seething with anger at yet another rally-killer by Varitek, will be soothed by Will Ferrell’s antics,” Selig explained. “The scratches cover a number of good jokes in the movie, which is why we consider this to be a perfectly fair addition. I can tell you right now that the whole Sex Panther scene is wrecked, OK?

“There’s really no point debating it now, because the decision has been made. And I would also like to add that in no way does Jason’s addition to the team reveal any gaps or inequities in the voting process.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!