Sabathia settles Brewers rotation debate by eating Sheets

MILWAUKEE, WI — When the Brewers traded for C.C. Sabathia yesterday, there was a lot of debate as to whether the incoming “ace” would replace the current “ace” of the team’s pitching staff, Ben Sheets. That debate was quickly erased early Tuesday when Sabathia ate Sheets upon arriving at the clubhouse.

“To be honest, it was a big relief,” said Brewers manager Ned Yost. “I was really trying to figure out what we were going to do with two legitimate aces on our staff. But then C.C. took care of everything for us by just going and noshing on Benny real quick.”

The loss of Sheets, who is 10-2 and putting together one of the finest seasons of his career, will be a tough blow for the Brewers. But, as Yost pointed out, at least the clubhouse won’t be marred by controversy.

“There’s nothing worse than having two legitimate aces on a team’s pitching staff, just in terms of clubhouse chemistry,” Yost said. “Look at what happened with Arizona in 2001, when they had Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson. Or think about the Dodgers all those years, when they had Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale. People get split into factions and stuff, and it’s like everyone has to pick sides or something – it’s very divisive. It’s just a recipe for disaster, you know what I mean?”

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According to sources, Sabathia – for whom the Brewers traded uber-prospect Matt LaPorta – swallowed the 6′3″, 220-pound Sheets whole, with nary a bite.

“Apparently, the C.C. stands for Chunky Chunky,” said left fielder Ryan Braun. “You really don’t realize how ginormous someone is until they eat an All-Star pitcher for no apparent reason.”

Braun indicated that the Brewers definitely think they are better off by having obtained Sabathia, but that he probably could have been more judicious about who he ate.

“Sure, Sheetsy was probably about to get injured,” Braun said. “But he was still a pretty good pitcher. I mean, I bet Bill Hall would have been tasty as well, and nobody would have missed him.”