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News Item

Rays’ Maddon hailed as Second Coming

TAMPA, FL — Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon has, by the standards of many baseball experts, performed a miracle in leading his previously hapless squad to first place in the American League East.

His performance has already earned him the respect of players, fans and opponents alike; and now it appears that his team’s success has also earned him the attention of the theological community.

Pastor Randy White, formerly of the Without Walls International Church, has interpreted the unexpected success of the Rays with an emphasis on Biblical prophecy.

“He has to be the Second Coming: look at his track record. Cast out ‘Devils’? Check. Performed miracles? Check. Not to sound blasphemous, but I think even Our Lord and Savior would have had a hard time getting this team over .500,” White explained to SSNN. “Mr. Maddon hasn’t conquered just one evil empire, but two! In fact, just last week I saw him walking in Tampa Bay – not the city, the bay itself! Hallelujah!”

Other corners of the religious community do not share Pastor White’s enthusiasm. Pastor Ken Ansely of Idlewild Baptist Church, for one, sees a gloomy forecast on the horizon if the Rays meet their National League counterparts in surprising success.

“For it is written in the Book of Revelations: the sun shall be as ash, the moon shall be as blood, and the great battle shall take place on the field of Armageddon. As any Biblical scholar will tell you, the author was referring to the apocalypse that will come if the Rays and Cubs meet in the World Series,” a clearly shaken Ansely warns anyone who will listen. “If Joe Maddon really is the Second Coming of Our Lord, then surely Lou Piniella is the Antichrist. When he managed here, he certainly did his best to cast the Rays into the Abyss.”

When approached with the question of his deity, Maddon answered with the humility befitting a carpenter’s son.

“I’m happy that we’re in the position that we are, but we still have a lot of the season left to play. If we can just stay ahead of those heathen Red Sox and hell-bound Yankees, we might have a shot at a pennant,” Maddon said. “But honestly, it’s not really a miracle we’re here; my players give it their all every night and they deserve all the credit.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go turn the Gatorade into wine for the post-game spread.”

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Labels: AL East, American League, antichrist, Armageddon, baseball, Boston Red Sox, Chicago Cubs, Gatorade, God, Jesus, Joe Maddon, Lou Piniella, MLB, New York Yankees, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Tampa Bay Rays, the Bible, the Devil

Posted on July 10th, 2008

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