Randy Moss wants his NASCAR team to increase “rims” budget

FOXBORO, MA — Randy Moss, NASCAR’s newest owner after purchasing a 50 percent share in Morgan-Dollar Motorsports, is off to a rocky start with his new business partners after some frank discussions over the way that the team is going to spend its money in the coming years.

“I checked out the budgets the first day,” Moss said. “I sort of see myself as the de facto CFO, feel me? Anyway, I’m looking at the budgets and they looked pretty good. There’s $100,000 for fuel, a quarter million for research and development. Everything looks okay. And then I get down there and I realize that they’re only spending $1000 on rims?!? You’re only gonna spend a g-bo on rims, and you expect to compete? Shit, I can’t even get rims for one of my cars for a grand, how are you going to get rims for the whole fleet of cars?”

Moss quickly made some “back of the napkin” calculations and was able to increase the rims budget to $247,433, which he says will be enough for each year for the team. This is largely due to Moss’s personal relationship with Antonio “Fat Nino” Dominguez, a southern California auto accessories dealer who specializes in spinning rims and is willing to give Moss’s team a 50 percent discount on all products.

“We’re gonna get some sweet set-ups,” Moss said. “We’re going to get some spinners that make it look like the truck is going backwards, and we’re also gonna get some ones that have giant spikes sticking out of them, like in Mad Max. Gonna be badass.”

John Davidson, who is the actual chief financial officer of the newly renamed Randy Moss Racing, wasn’t so sure.

“I mean, Randy did re-arrange the budgets, this is true,” he said. “But now we’re spending $247,000 on rims, but he reduced our safety budget to $12,000 for the year, and he’s eliminated our insurance budget entirely. So we basically have to hope that we don’t get into any accidents for the entire season, or else, you know, it’s game over.”

Moss was not concerned.

“What, they’re freaking out about having accidents now?” Moss said. “They’re professional drivers. They should be able to get through a whole year without having a fender-bender, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!