Overly nice human being Chase Utley withdraws self from All-Star Game

PHILADELPHIA — Chase Utley has withdrawn himself from the baseball All-Star Game on the grounds that he is getting too much positive attention, and that it would just be “so nice if it was spread around a little bit more.”

Utley, known widely as the nicest human being on the planet as well as one of the great second basemen in baseball, is leading the majors with 23 home runs and is putting together an MVP-caliber season. Still, don’t expect him in New York in July, as he’s decided to take himself a bit out of the spotlight and share the love a little bit.

“You know, it’s just one of those deals where, enough is enough, right?” Utley said. “I mean, I’m sure America is just so sick of me, and would it be appropriate for a Major League Baseball player to just continue to hog the spotlight, especially for a reason so stupid as leading the league in home runs as a second baseman? I’m sure there are many other players in baseball that the fans would rather see than just having boring old Chase Utley rammed down their throats for another night, right?”

Utley is throwing his support behind Nationals second baseman Ronnie Belliard, who, according to Utley, is “Just a hard-nosed player who does all the little things right and really contributes to his team.”

“Sure, he doesn’t have the numbers that a lot of people look for, and yeah, he’s probably the fourth or maybe even the fifth best second baseman in our division, after whomever the Mets have playing second base, but he’s just a nice little bowl of peanuts and frankly I just love him.”

Utley has not decided yet as to whether he’ll take himself out of the running for the MVP.

“I guess on the one hand it would be nice to get the MVP award,” Utley said. “It’s really ostentatious, though. I guess maybe I could have the gold melted down and sell it to buy food for Cambodian orphans. Or I could just give it to Pat Burrell.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!