NFL not looking for gang signs

NEW YORK, NY — A day after news outlets around the country reported that the National Football League was reviewing past game tapes to look for players flashing gang signs, the league has officially denied those reports – or at least denied that gang signs are the inspiration for their review.

“Are we going through thousands and thousands of hours of game tape to see if a football player is ‘throwing gang signs?’” commissioner Roger Goodell asked rhetorically. “No, that would be petty. We’re actually looking for sign language abuse. Just because you haven’t heard about it doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem.”

Goodell said that more and more of the players coming into the league are fluent in sign language, and that it has left older referees and league officials – many of whom are not familiar with sign language – at a distinct disadvantage.

One referee, speaking with SSNN on the condition of anonymity, said he was pretty sure players were making fun of him in sign language during a number of games last year.

Follow SSNN on Twitter!

“One particular incident was a game between the Broncos and Texans, and I swear Amobi Okoye was calling me an asshole in sign language,” the referee said. “I understand not everyone thinks this is something the league should be concerning itself with, but it really hurt my feelings.

“I mean, if he was actually insulting me, I would have been hurt. To tell you the truth, it’s hard to know what to feel when you’re not entirely sure what the signs mean. But that’s a problem too.”

The NFL Players Association called the investigation ridiculous, particularly taking exception to Goodell’s claim that 70 to 80 percent of NFL players know sign language. The NFLPA claims that number is closer to 60 percent.

NFLPA Director Gene Upshaw said the biggest problem he has with the situation is the racial implications inherent in what he called “a wild goose chase.”

“We can’t stop the league from reviewing tape, but if they’re going to go forward with this thing we’d like to know who they are investigating,” Upshaw said. “I have a sneaking suspicion Peyton Manning isn’t being investigated, and every time that guy comes to the line of scrimmage he’s giving all of America a big ‘fuck you.’

“By the way, have I been fired yet? ESPN said I was going to be canned a long time ago, whatever happened with that?”

Goodell called Upshaw’s claims of racism inappropriate, adding that “my power trip does not see race.” More than anything, he said this investigation is a result of his irrational fear of deaf people.

“I don’t know exactly what it is, they just freak me out,” the commissioner admitted. “If I want to go through years of game footage looking for sign language because the deaf girl in high school wouldn’t go out with me, then I’m going to do it. I’m the most powerful man in the world, I do what I want.”