McCarver: I almost made it

NEW YORK, NY — An extensive, week-long SSNN investigation has discovered that former catcher and current FOX broadcaster Tim McCarver almost stayed awake for all 15 innings of Major League Baseball’s All-Star Game.

“I almost made it, I almost did,” said McCarver, donning a cardigan and speaking from his New York home. “Is it cold in here to you? Let me go get a blanket.”

After showing the entire SSNN staff three photo albums full of pictures of his grandchildren, McCarver explained he made it to the twelfth inning of last week’s Midsummer Classic before making his way to the bedroom and falling asleep.

But McCarver’s broadcast partner, Joe Buck, tells a different story.

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“Sure, he finally went to bed in the twelfth inning,” Buck said. “But he took a cat nap between the fourth and sixth innings, and the eighth and ninth also. He snored so loud I had to take off my headphones. I swear to god, that man could wake the dead with that nose.”

Though SSNN is reluctant to take sides, much of the staff agreed that Bucks account is entirely likely, given McCarver’s generally fuzzy recollection of the game.

“I was shocked when Clemente threw out Brock at home on that Aaron single in the ninth… and what a tag by Fisk!” McCarver exclaimed. “I really wish Lasorda would have left Koufax in for another inning, though. I know it’s an exhibition and all, but the fans deserve to see Sandy pitch as much as possible – you never know when he’s going to retire.

“And what was that whole Pete Rose thing about? What a schmuck. I’m just glad no one was harmed after the earthquake in the fifth, that was scary.”

SSNN will revisit this story as soon as our reporters are able to get the smell of moth balls out of their clothes.