Marlins launch eco-friendly team shuttle

MIAMI, FL — In an effort to at once save the environment and reduce the amount that they have to pay in mileage expenses, the Florida Marlins have announced a new team shuttle to bring their players to and from games.

The shuttle picks up at the Coral Gables Starbucks store three-and-a-half hours before game time, then returns players to the same location approximately an hour-and-a-half after the game.

“We think this is an excellent thing that we can do, not only for our players but also for the world,” said Marlins GM Larry Beinfest. “Besides, a lot of these guys live pretty far away, so we’re saving a lot of money with this. If a guy drives 45 miles round trip, with mileage the way it is, that’s almost 25 bucks out of our pocket. So it’s a win-win.”

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According to the shuttle bus driver, Raul Cervantes, the concept has been embraced by the players.

“Generally I have about three to five riders,” Cervantes said. “Most ever was seven. Josh Willingham has been on every ride.”

According to shortstop Hanley Ramirez, Cervantes runs a tight ship. “You can’t get away with anything on that shuttle, man,” Ramirez complained. “If you are two minutes late, he is going to leave without you. The other day I tried to bring a sandwich on the shuttle – ‘no fucking way,’ Raul told me. You have to respect the shuttle; and I respect that.”

Even with rules that are tougher than he likes, Ramirez plans on taking the shuttle whenever possible because he likes telling stories to Willingham, who is a receptive – or, perhaps more accurately, captive – audience.

“I have all these great stories about my life, and the crazy things that happen to me,” Ramirez said. “Josh loves them. I mean, sometimes when I don’t want to ride the shuttle, because I’m tired or whatever, I’ll still ride it just so I can tell Josh some stories. You know, to keep him entertained.”

“His stories are okay,” Willingham told SSNN. “Average, I’d say. Maybe a little above. He sure does have a lot of them though. The other day he told me three stories about his dog, two stories about his job and four stories about things that happened to him when he was in high school. I’m serious, man – and we have the same job, so I pretty much already knew those two.”

Willingham indicated that ordinarily he listens to Howard Stern on his “noise-canceling Sirius headphone thingamajig,” but that he takes off the headphones when Hanley rides the shuttle because he doesn’t want to hurt the young shortstop’s feelings.

Overall, the Marlins view the shuttle as a resounding success, and have indicated that, if seats are available, fans are welcome to ride the shuttle for free and potentially pitch the sixth inning, provided they promise to attend the entire game.