Marlins cancel shuttle

MIAMI, FL — The Florida Marlins have announced that they are canceling the eco-friendly shuttle that the team launched a couple weeks ago, due to a general lack of interest.

“It’s not worth it to cart Dan Uggla back and forth from the park by himself,” said Fredi Gonzalez, the Marlins manager. “I mean, Uggs is a great guy and all, and we want to help him save money on gas, but this is ridiculous.”

According to sources within the Marlins organization, for the last week the shuttle has been averaging only 1.3 riders per ride. Even devoted shuttle-rider Josh Willingham has been eschewing it.

“I’m not going to say who, but there’s a particular player on the shuttle a lot, and that player does not smell good,” Willingham said. “And this player may or may not have had the worst All-Star Game in human history, and his pungent stench may or may not be the foulness of that game that still lingers upon him. Either way, it freaking stinks in there, so I just bought a Prius instead. I figure I’ll save the environment that way.”

The Marlins were losing a significant amount of money on gas by providing the shuttle, Gonzalez said, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was Uggla’s reported belief that the shuttle was there to cart him back and forth from the park, alone.

“He kept calling it the ‘All-Star Shuttle,’ which was really annoying,” Gonzalez recounted. “He was even doing it this past week, when you’d think he’d really want us all to forget the All-Star Game. And then I guess he punched Raul [Cervantes, the shuttle's driver], because Raul wouldn’t leave the stadium early when Dan wanted to go home. After that, we were like, ‘It’s just not worth it.’”

Uggla is reportedly planning on driving himself to the stadium now, but not without a lot of complaining. SSNN has been unable to confirm rumors that Hanley Ramirez offered to carpool with the second baseman if he is able to bring his post-All-Star Game batting average above .200.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!