Manny Ramirez always rounds up

BOSTON, MA — Manny Ramirez raised some eyebrows this week when he stated that he has “nearly 2000 RBIs,” since a quick check of his career statistics shows that he’s far from that total.

“I’m a ballplayer with more than 500 home runs and almost 2,000 RBIs,” Ramirez said. “I’m a professional. I don’t know how anybody can say I could be making it all up.”

Ramirez, who has 509 home runs, stands only 331 RBI away from getting to 2000 for his career. When questioned about why he had assumed that the three seasons worth of RBI he needs to get to 2,000 were a done deal, Ramirez was his typical relaxed self.

“That’s just Manny being Manny,” Ramirez said. “I always round up.”

Ramirez said that he does not choose to follow the conventional rules of mathematics, and instead chooses any large number that is in the vicinity of the number that he is rounding from. Sometimes this causes confusion or trouble, Ramirez said, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Yeah, people don’t understand my ’round it up’ mentality, but that’s on them, you know?” Ramirez said. “They see a guy who is approximately 10 feet tall and approximately 400 pounds, and he gives them about $100 for an extra value meal at McDonald’s, and I guess they get a little scared.

“But I only care about my wife and the approximately 50 children that I have. That’s it. I don’t care about anything else – certainly not helping the Red Sox win their 10^th or 20^th World Series in the past decade, whatever the number actually is.”

Ramirez, who estimates that he’s made about $1 billion playing baseball and “about another $40 billion in endorsements,” states that he’s simply going to play out the rest of the season as hard as he can, and then decide what to do during the offseason.

“We’ve got about 100 games left,” Ramirez said. “So that’s fine. I’ll hit another 50 homers or so and knock in about 150 runs, and whatever happens will happen. Then, the offseason will come, and I’ll have about 10 months to make whatever decision I need to make. No big whoop.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!