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News Item

Jones left behind after team picnic

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today that they accidentally left Andruw Jones behind after last night’s team picnic, and that while the search for the center fielder is in its infant stages the team is ready to move on.

“I’m not sure how this happened,” said manager Joe Torre. “We took a head count before everyone got on the bus, and another one when we left. I just hope Andruw is okay. And above all else, I hope he doesn’t have to swing a stick to protect himself – I think lately he’s been closing his eyes, and it’s damn hard to hit a moving target like that.”

Dodgers GM Ned Colletti has already placed Jones on the inactive list, leading some to question how accidental the situation actually is.

Jones, a former Atlanta Brave, has made quite a stir this season. After signing a two-year, $36 million contract in the off-season Jones has struggled in his first year with the Dodgers, batting .167 with only 2 home runs. He also became the first player to ever have his fantasy team “owned percentage” drop into the negatives.

“Even though that’s literally impossible by the basic laws of mathematics, it doesn’t surprise me,” Torre said. “I dropped him in mid-April.”

While nothing has been confirmed, multiple motorists have contacted the Dodgers, local authorities and SSNN about a 6′1″, 240-lb. man walking southbound on Highway 101 toward Dodger Stadium. Despite many reports insisting the man is Jones, high-ranking members of the Dodgers’ front office insist that they have been unable to pin down the outfielder’s whereabouts.

“This is California, the craziest place on Earth,” said Torre, in his first year with the Dodgers after more than a decade with the Yankees. “It’s probably just some homeless guy in an Andruw Jones jersey and cleats. The Dodger organization would like to warn fans not to get too close to this faux-Andruw, and if he makes any sudden moves you should probably shoot him.”

Local resident Rick Conte was one of the many who called SSNN early this morning to report the sighting.

“It was Jones, I’m sure of it,” said Conte, who appeared to be of sound mind outside of his Dodgers fandom. “There were quite a few mosquitoes out today, and this guy kept on swinging and missing at them. And I thought to myself, ‘I’ve seen that whiffer before.’ It was definitely Jones.”

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Labels: Andruw Jones, Atlanta Braves, baseball, Dodger Stadium, Joe Torre, Los Angeles Dodgers, MLB, Ned Colletti, picnic, strikeouts

Posted on July 14th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Jones’ contract may include lifetime supply of Dodger Dogs (December 9, 2007)
• Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids (August 11, 2008)
• Torre: Dodgers may go after A-Rod, Jeter, Giambi, Rivera, Posada, Mientkievicz, Cano, Mussina, Matsui, Cabrera, Abreu and others (November 10, 2007)
• Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69 (August 28, 2008)

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