Favre to return in new role

KILN, MS — Legendary Packers quarterback Brett Favre has finally officially announced that he will, indeed, return to the world of sports this year.

“I was really dreading retirement, to be honest,” Favre said in a press conference outside his Mississippi home this morning. “Even though I’ve had three knee replacement surgeries and I just got fitted for dentures, I don’t feel I’ve shown enough dedication to my fans. Except, of course, that cheese-eating contest I won in Eau Claire last summer.”

Favre went on to explain that he had an enlightening talk with Michael Jordan two weeks ago, which helped him make this decision. “Jord-o calls me up and says, ‘I know what you’re going through, bro. Why not try some new team, instead of disappearing altogether?’ And it just made sense to me. I don’t want to be remembered as the fearless hero who led my team to victory dozens of times. Nor do I want people to recognize me as Cameron Diaz’s hot love interest in There’s Something About Mary. I want people to see me and say, ‘there goes that over-the-hill, delusional man who refuses to give up the glory.’”

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Favre will be a starting pitcher for the Rockford, IL professional women’s softball team, the Thunder Thighs. “I have such bad arthritis in my shoulder that I could only qualify for women’s events,” he explained. “And I figured that at least with softball I could fit in with my teammates, physically.”

“We’re real excited to have him on board,” said Thunder Thighs manager Kelly Slipston. “He got some girly chicken legs on him but he can run faster than all us gals. It’s beautiful, he’s like a gazelle. A super old gazelle with cataracts and a bad hip, but still a gazelle.”

“I’m just excited that I get to continue my work,” said Favre. “And I can’t wait to beat the Chicago Bandits. That’ll make up for me getting my ass handed to me by the Bears the last few seasons, right? Right?”

Thanks to the Serious Celebrity News Network for their hard work in breaking this story