ESPN unveils latest summer gimmick: “Who’s Porno Hot?”

BRISTOL, CT – Sports fans often dread the news wasteland that is the month of July; the NBA and NHL Finals are over, the NFL has yet to start training camp, and Major League Baseball is fast approaching the dog days of summer. Within the ESPN offices, it is these doldrums of July that give birth to the network’s strangest and most ill-conceived ideas (see: “Who’s Now” brackets, “Titletown USA” contest).

This year is no different. Between practical jokes and forwarding YouTube clips to each other, the worker bees of The Worldwide Leader in Sports are busy generating ideas for their most recent boredom-fueled gimmick: “Who’s Porno Hot?”

“The idea is to combine two or more popular sports figures that are both currently relevant in terms of sports news and would be awesome to see having sex on camera,” said SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt, the originator of the concept. “For example, who wouldn’t want to see Kevin Garnett give a solid rogering to Ana Ivanovic?”

ESPN recently allowed SSNN a rare all-access behind-the-scenes glimpse into the initial brainstorming meeting for “Who’s Porno Hot?” The following is a running diary of what occurred:

10:00 am: Scott Van Pelt thanks a packed board room for coming to support the idea. Stuart Scott comes in late with obvious after-tinkle on khakis, says he brushed up against wet counter near sink.

10:03 am: Expected names bandied about: Danica Patrick and David Beckham, Derek Jeter and Maria Sharapova, etc.

10:10 am: Peter Gammons raises eyebrows by suggesting Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz.

10:13 am: Gammons’ contribution opens floodgates. Linda Cohn says she’d like to see orgy starring the WNBA’s Phoenix Mercury, offers her living room as possible set.

10:15 am: Chris Berman says he’d like to see Tom Brady “pitching” and Adrian Peterson “catching.”

10:17 am: John Anderson suggests Candace Parker and Yao Ming. Fortune cookie joke ensues.

10:20 am: Stuart Scott suggests golden shower scene with any member of the University of North Carolina’s major sports teams, re-ignites talk of pee stain on trousers.

10:22 am: Suzie Kolber offers to star in video with Joe Namath. Karl Ravich accuses Kolber of being “sooo 2003″ but states he’d like to see her “freak” with Michele Tafoya.

10:25 am: Steve Berthiaume shouted down after suggesting Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. Defends choice by saying Agassi could, “put a bag over her head.” Van Pelt says Berthiaume “not getting it.”

10:29 am: ESPN President George Bodenheimer enters wondering “what the hell is going on here?” Van Pelt nervously explains concept. Bodenheimer proceeds to suggest Barbara Walters and Muhammad Ali. Crowd giggles at “old, confused, out of touch man,” as Rece Davis puts it.

10:32 am: Trey Wingo suggests Tonya Harding nudie video as promotional tool. Crowd agrees.

10:36 am: Tom Jackson suggests snuff film with chinese stars starring Bill Belichick, offers to be “naked ninja under the hood.” Van Pelt visibly disturbed.

10:40 am: Kenny Mayne ends brainstorming session with suggestion of Tiger Woods and his golf club.

10:45 am: Van Pelt asks graphics department to come up with “something phallic” for promos, thanks everyone for their ideas. Meeting ends.

“Who’s Porno Hot?,” sponsored by Cheri Magazine, will air hourly on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNNEWS, ESPN Classic, ESPNU, ESPN Deportes, ESPN on ABC and ESPN on Spice TV.