Epstein unable to deal with new Red Sox IT system

BOSTON, MA — With the trade deadline fast approaching, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein would like to be wheeling and dealing, trying to improve his team for a stretch run that looks to feature a tight, three-way battle for the AL East crown.

Unfortunately, Epstein is hamstrung by a new team policy restricting his use of the internet.

“When Larry [Red Sox President Lucchino] suggested we try to curb the off-topic web browsing, it sounded like a good idea,” Epstein told SSNN. “But see, the same function that keeps Bob in accounting from fiddling with his fantasy account all day blocks me from basically every site with the words ’sports,’ or ‘games’ in the URL. Which frankly – besides making it damn near impossible to stay ahead of [Mets' GM Omar] Minaya in our GM keeper league – makes it awfully tough to do my due diligence on players I might be interested in trading for.”

The dilemma for Red Sox management lies in the fact that productivity throughout the team’s offices has nearly doubled in the week since installing the browser restriction software.

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“I just don’t see how we can justify reversing our new internet policy,” Lucchino explained to SSNN. “Our advertising department has had a banner week, the accountants have already done the majority of next year’s tax returns – I mean, it’s absolutely insane. I had no idea how much time people were wasting just browsing around the internet.

“Of course, I now work from home, but really what does that matter? My job is basically just to look over Theo’s shoulder and then take the credit when we win – I can do that from anywhere. Anyway, I just don’t think it would be in the best interest of the team to gum up the works for everyone else just so one spoiled brat of a GM can have his life be even easier.”

But Epstein, who says he traditionally uses baseball-reference and wikipedia to look into the background of players he is thinking about trading for, says he is “incredibly frustrated,” and is starting to think about taking drastic measures to regain full use of the internet.

“I’m pretty sure there is a function in this IT system that would allow the tech guys to give me special dispensation to access whatever site I want, but I guess Larry made a big stink to them about ‘No exceptions for anyone,’” Epstein complained. “And I’ll tell you what – I’m not above quitting for a couple weeks again, if it comes to that. I will walk right out of this office and not walk back in until everyone really starts to freak out.

“Seriously, I will. I’m serious.”