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Entire NFL outsourced to Africa in cost-cutting move
NEW YORK, NY – Growing excitement stemming from the opening of training camps throughout the National Football League was overshadowed yesterday by the decidedly controversial decision to outsource the entire league to Africa.
The move comes as a surprise to many. While rumours had circulated that the NFL may expand to include teams outside of the United States in the later parts of 2006, they had never quite been imagined on this magnitude.
“I don’t believe that Americans will shy away from this change,” commented NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Basically we will be providing the same product that we always have provided on the field. Only now instead of teams like the St. Louis Rams and Indianapolis Colts you will be watching the Kampala Rams and the Ouagadougou Colts.”
It is widely agreed that this is the most significant decision that the commissioner has influenced since the infamous Spygate scandal involving the New England Patriots. The league will be divided into the South African Football League (SAFL) and the North African Football League (NAFL). The annual Pro Bowl will also be moved to save costs, from Honolulu, Hawaii to Gaborone, Botswana, a country which has recently graduated to Third-World status.
Regarding whether or not the players will have a future with this newly created African league, Goodell assured SSNN that, “Players from the current NFL can choose to move to Africa along with the league if they would like, provided that they accept a massive pay cut and are prepared to live in squalor. America will be drawn to the sport with or without the likes of Randy Moss and Reggie Bush, so long as there are teams with colourful jerseys and exciting names like the Falcons on the field.”
Weekly games from the African Football League will continue to be televised in the United States, though they will only be available at early hours of the morning due to the time difference between the two continents. Owners and general managers around the league quickly agreed to this bold decision which promises to save millions of dollars annually on salaries alone.
“The move was impossible to resist once we heard how little we had to pay our players and employees,” commented New York Giants General Manager Jerry Reese. “I believe Goodell has made a very sound business decision. These multi-million dollar contracts were becoming ludicrous. We had to pay Eli Manning a $20 million signing bonus and it still took us a full three years to win the championship. I’ve heard that over there we can just pay them in livestock or water or something.”
An outstanding criticism of the relocation points out that the league will not be able to generate the devotion to the sport necessary to fill 75,000 seats every game. Jerry Reese dismissed this claim with a deft wave of his hand.
“Hell, yeah, I think we can fill a stadium,” assured the confident GM. “It can’t be any harder than it is in the United States, can it? We just need a snappy marketing campaign with Plaxico Burress wrestling a gazelle or a wildebeest or a gnu or something and they’ll flock in. The employment rates are really low over there, so they really don’t have anything else to do.”
The initial reaction from football fans has been optimistic. Despite the obvious and significant changes to sport, die-hard supporters can see how the move may have a positive impact in the long run.
“At first I was shocked,” said life-long Green Bay Cheesehead Dalton Lee. “I was thinking how can they get multi-million dollar television contracts like they do here in America? Do they even have NBC over there? But then I really warmed to the idea when I realized that many of the players in the league are of African descent anyway and this move will open up many possibilities on draft day. I only hope that my beloved Addis Ababa Packers can find the next Brett Favre somewhere over there.”
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Labels: Africa, Brett Favre, contracts, Eli Manning, expansion, general manager, Green Bay Packers, Jerry Reese, New York Giants, NFL, Plaxico Burress, Pro Bowl, Randy Moss, Reggie Bush, Roger Goodell, signing bonus, Spygate
Posted on July 5th, 2008
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