Cynth-Rod accuses Madonna of tampering

MIAMI, FL — In a bold and unorthodox move, Cynthia Rodriguez has accused Madonna of tampering with her soon-to-be-ex-husband Alex Rodriguez, and has asked NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to make a swift ruling and mete out an appropriate penalty.

“Normally, I focus on issues between the various teams in the National Football League,” Goodell told SSNN. “So a case in which a scorned wife of a baseball player wants to file a grievance against a pop icon is mildly unusual, and for a second I almost declined the request as not under my jurisdiction. But a closer look showed me that this is clearly a case of out outright tampering.”

Among the transgressions that Goodell noted for SSNN are inappropriate phone messaging and other sorts of contact between Madonna and A-Rod. Namely, there were approximately 79 text messages sent, 13 Kabbalah study sessions and two meals shared.

“This is classic tampering,” the commissioner said. “Madonna reached out for A-Rod when he was technically under contract to another team— er, woman. That is a major offense, one that this office takes very seriously.”

Goodell informed SSNN that tampering takes place all the time, but is often relatively difficult to prove.

“Voicemails and text messages can be erased,” Goodell said. “Dinners can be held in private homes. It’s not difficult for people to avoid attention if they want to tamper. Generally speaking, we have to waste a ton of time and resources trying to prevent this sort of tampering. It was just weird that this case was so much out in the open.”

Goodell said he’d make a decision on the case in the coming week, and that Madonna would likely have to forfeit a second-round draft pick in the 2009 NFL draft, and pay a substantial monetary fine.

Madonna, for her part, was silent on the subject, though she did say she is publishing a children’s book on tampering – called Everybody Tampers – which will soon be available in the Minnesota Vikings team store.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!