Curmudgeons unite over Packer firing

NEW YORK, NY — In a rare show of solidarity today, leading curmudgeons around the world gathered to protest CBS Sports’ decision to part ways with college basketball commentator Billy Packer. Originally the group had planned on protesting in front of CBS’ New York offices, but they were far too cranky to agree on a time.

Packer had been the lead college basketball analyst at CBS since 1981 before being replaced by Clark Kellogg earlier this week. Packer’s broadcast partner since 1991, Jim Nantz, spoke glowingly about his now-former partner.

“What’s the opposite of life of the party – the death of the party? That sounds harsh, but that pretty much wraps up Billy,” Nantz said. “It’s a miracle that guy lasted this long on television with absolutely no charisma. No, I take that back, Billy has what we in the business call ‘negative charisma.’ And yes, he is that much of a dick off-camera. But that makes him somewhat of a marvel as a survivor, you know?”

The curmudgeons eventually settled on protesting in an Internet chat room. Other than complaining, little was accomplished – though they did manage to place a few angry phone calls.

Receptionist Carol Rita told SSNN she received ‘about 10 calls over the course of the day yesterday,’ but she did not report them to any of her supervisors.

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“The calls started off with them bitching about the firing of Packer, but then they just devolved into these lengthy rants about how much they hate the world,” Rita said. “And in all fairness, I’m pretty sure a couple of the calls were from Billy himself. It boggles my mind how much of a dick that guy is. I was hoping his calls would stop when we let him go, but I guess he sees me as something of a confidant.”

Packer was generous enough to grant SSNN an interview, but he got in a fight with our reporter before any questions were asked.

The group of curmudgeons also managed to piece together a press release about the firing. They called the move by CBS “classless,” and while they acknowledged that Packer should never again be allowed anywhere near a camera or microphone, in the next breath they described him as a model American curmudgeon.

“In the end, this move bothers us on many different levels,” the statement read. “If we continue to fill the television airwaves with entertaining and likeable people, then what will we complain about? Most importantly, who will all the adolescent pessimists out there look up to? While we understand this will dramatically improve CBS’ coverage of college basketball, we urge them to think about the wide-ranging and potentially very negative impact of this move.”