Brewers cut Braun, Torres

MILWAUKEE, WI — The Milwaukee Brewers made a stunning move following their four-game sweep of the Cardinals Thursday, when they released Ryan Braun and Solomon Torres, two of the best players on their team.

“Basically, when we looked at the fabric of our club, these guys just don’t fit in anymore,” said Brewers manager Ned Yost. “They’re too skinny. They are in too good of shape. We prefer our players to have a little more girth. The deeper the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’, you know what I mean? Plus, the last thing we need is our heavy-set stars getting self-conscious and dieting or something.”

Yost said he had hoped that Braun and Torres would take a cue from the example put forth by CC Sabathia, for whom the team recently traded, and Prince Fielder, whose massive homeruns are surpassed only by his tape-measure waistline.

“We went to both Braun and Torres and told them to fall in line with the team mentality, but they were too self-obsessed and vain to come along,” Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin added. “Braun even said something about being in shape helping him play baseball at a high level. False! Being in shape is not a prerequisite to being a Milwaukee Brewer.”

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The timing of the moves was interesting, as only hours earlier Braun had hit a crucial two-run homer to propel the Brewers to a lead, and Torres had shut the door on the game with a dominant ninth inning in which he struck out the side in order.

“I don’t care about the past,” Yost said. “I care about the future of this team. Baseball is a long season, and we need guys with stamina. We need guys who are going to be able to survive the dog days of August and a long, hot pennant run. We don’t need guys who are going to waste away in the middle of the stretch run.”

To replace the cut players, the Brewers have picked up Bartolo Colon and Tony Gwynn, who in retirement has swelled to over 300 lbs.

“Tony Gwynn is the perfect example of the type of player we’d like to have on our team,” said Yost. “He’s a Hall of Famer, and he’s got a lot of meat there to keep him going through the season. We may end up cutting his son to make room for him, but hey, that’s the breaks.”

Yost said the tougher decision is what to do with pitcher Ben Sheets.

“Sheetsy is a tough case,” Yost said. “He could sort of go either way. I mean, he’s big, for sure. But he’s not fat. Not fat enough, anyway. So we told him, either you pack on the pounds, or we’re going to trade you for Johnny Estrada. So now it’s just a waiting game.”