Bob Gibson to stage Cardinals comeback

ST LOUIS, MO — In a move designed to keep up with their National League Central rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals announced today that Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson would rejoin the team and take his place in the rotation this weekend against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The 72-year-old Gibson established his stellar career during the 1960’s and early 1970’s with over 3,000 career strikeouts, a career ERA below 3.00, two Cy Young Awards and two World Series MVP trophies.

He also earned a reputation as a fearsome competitor, even after his retirement. At an Old-Timers Game in 1992, he gave up a home run to fellow Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson. The next year, Gibson brushed back Jackson.

“I don’t put up with that shit,” said Gibson before a rehab start in Florida. “I didn’t put up with it then from Reggie, and I won’t put up with it from punks like Derrek Lee or Prince Fielder, either. This team is going to win another World Series, even if I have to miss Wheel of Fortune and Judge Judy for a few months.”

Cardinals GM John Mozeliak was equally excited about the return of the legendary pitcher.

“This is exactly the kind of acquisition we needed to get back into contention for the division,” Mozeliak told SSNN. “Bob has more post-season experience than Rich Harden, more Cy Young Awards than CC Sabathia and more years of pitching than both of them put together. Actually, he also has more years breathing than both of them put together.”

Cardinals’ All-Star first baseman Albert Pujols also expressed his admiration for his fellow St. Louis icon. “I really think Mr. Gibson will help us win, especially late in the season. With all the day games at Wrigley Field, it will be good for him to get in his innings before the early-bird special at Denny’s.”

In a related story, Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane reportedly sent a text message to Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, asking if he had “the itch” to come back next season.

When asked for a comment, Ryan replied, “I treated that itch with cortisone cream a long time ago.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!