Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez end marriage on technicality

NEW YORK, NY — Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez have formally announced their separation today, ending their five-year marriage which produced loads of back-page fodder for the New York Post and two young girls.

According to reports, the couple broke up for a variety of reasons, including Alex Rodriguez’s alleged extramarital affairs with an East German Olympic swimmer/stripper and pop icon Madonna, and Cynthia Rodriguez’s alleged tryst with rock star Lenny Kravitz. However, SSNN has learned that these rumors are indeed unfounded, and that the real reason for the separation is a technicality.

“In sad, sad news today, we are announcing that Alex and Cynthia are splitting up,” said the couple’s lawyer, Bert Snellman. “The reason is not anything that you have read in the papers–in fact, they are very much still in love. However, it has been made known to us that, based on New York law, an individual cannot be married to multiple human beings at the same time. And, so, Alex was forced to make a choice, and it became clear to us all that his love for himself so greatly exceeded anything that he could offer Cynthia that the decision was a no-brainer. Alex and Cynthia wish each other the best, and they hope to move forward soon.”

A-Rod was saddened by the events of the day, but he is optimistic about the future.

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“Cynthia was great,” he said. “Cynthia was a shooting star, and for a very special time, she was the absolute love of my life, and I am honored to have been with her and I’m honored to be the father of her children. But I’m also very happy with myself, and excited about the opportunities. I’m a beautiful person and I find myself waking up each day more and more excited about myself and more thrilled at the opportunity to spend the rest of my life looking at myself each day in the mirror. So I see today as being a great day, not a sad one, and a real opportunity.”

Cynthia Rodriguez was also apparently in support of Alex’s decision, releasing her own statement of support when she told a series of reporters that Alex should consummate his new marriage and “go fuck himself.”

“He deserves himself,” Cynthia Rodriguez said. “It takes a real special person to be as in love with themselves as Alex is with himself. People like that deserve what they get.”

When told of her statement, Alex was very thankful for Cynthia’s kind words.

“We want to thank Cynthia for her kind thoughts about us,” Alex said. “It takes a special person to be that gracious, and I think that her level of understanding in this unique and particular situation has been very admirable. You can tell that many of my positive qualities have rubbed off on her over the last several years.”