Yankees accidentally allow Chamberlain to finish his dinner

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Appearing at a rare press conference together with manager Joe Girardi, Yankees chairman Hank Steinbrenner revealed that star pitcher Joba Chamberlain had accidentally been allowed to finish his dinner following his start last night.

Chamberlain, who was recently converted from a setup man to a starter, has been kept on a strict pitch count that has left him unable to earn a decision in his any of his starts so far. Apparently such restrictions extend to other aspects of his life as well.

“We don’t want him having jaw problems in the future,” Girardi explained. “We’re trying to build up his chews per meal before we allow him to go the distance.”

Steinbrenner agreed with his manager. “The plan is to bring him along gradually. We don’t want to rush him, and then have him come up with a toothache or something later on.”

The two men also revealed other restrictions on the young right-hander.

“We only let him do so much running, so much walking per day,” Girardi said. “That’s why he’s a little chubby right now, so all the Jabba the Hut references really aren’t fair. But once we feel he’s built up his strength, we might let him walk a mile a day – maybe even more.”

While the duo plans on having Chamberlain’s pitch count lifted by the end of the season, they both prefer staying on the safe side for now.

“We really want to control every possible aspect of his life; it’s just about protecting our investment,” Girardi said. “I even limit how much he can read per day.”

“What the hell is he doing reading?” Steinbrenner asked Girardi before angrily ending the press conference. “I never said he could read. If his eyes go bad, I swear to God I’ll fire you so fast even Billy Martin will be amazed. The last thing we need is a player reading and getting ideas. He should be out doing something healthy, like shagging chicks. That’s what Jeter and A-Rod do.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!