Woman who actually knows how Shaq’s ass tastes paid not to tell anyone

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a dramatic and ironic twist, one of the few people in the world who actually knows how Shaquille O’Neal’s ass tastes has been paid not to tell anyone about it.

“Recently, I was prompted to find out how Shaq’s ass tastes,” said Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant. “So I have been researching the matter, and in the course of my investigation I have found an individual who has knowledge of the taste and other major features of the ass in question. Ironically and regrettably, this individual is not in a position to reveal this information, as she has been given a lot of money by Shaq to keep her filthy mouth shut.”

The reasons for the payoff are myriad, Bryant said, but he believes it likely has a lot to do with the flavor of Shaq’s ass.

“I do not believe that Shaq’s ass tastes good,” Bryant said. “I unfortunately do not have a lot of firsthand information on said matter. But I really think that the answer to Shaq’s question is that his ass would taste very bad. I mean, first of all, we’ve got a big sweaty dude here; and second, it’s an ass. So what part of that equation makes you think of confectioner’s sugar or rose petals? Nothing, right?”

Nevertheless, Bryant is committed to obtaining empirical evidence on the issue.

“I will hunt down this information – for the public, because they need to know,” he said. “Shaq clearly wants the public to know about the flavor of his ass, so I will seek the truth here, in whatever manner possible. Short of, you know, noshing on his ass myself, which would be nasty.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!