Waxman literally has nothing else to do

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Henry Waxman has heard the complaints before. The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman has been asked countless times, and he still has only one response.

“People want to know why I can’t get over this steroids-in-baseball thing,” the bald and bespectacled California representative told SSNN. “And the answer, as always, is that I, quite literally, have nothing else to do. Seriously – nothing.”

Waxman is just as shocked as you are. But even with a war, a struggling economy, global warming and an historic presidential election in progress, he still can’t find anything more than pressing to deal with than the MLB’s steroid testing policy.

“I always thought that when I got into politics it would be hard work, but that I would be helping people,” he said. “Instead, I find myself coming into the office at 8, messing around with my fantasy baseball team for a couple of hours, listening the Jim Rome show during lunch and then just blankly staring at my computer screen all afternoon. Simply put, I don’t have shit to do.”

While Waxman’s admission may have angered some voters, it has helped somewhat heal the tenuous relationship between the Committee Chairman and two of his targets – Bud Selig and Donald Fehr.

“At first I was all like, ‘Why’s this dude fucking with me?’” said Selig. “Then he was all like, ‘I got nothing else to do.’ And then I was all like, ‘That’s cool, I can understand that.’ Now we’re straight.”

Fehr was less accepting of Waxman’s excuse, but he did express sympathy for the democratic representative’s struggles.

“In a way I know where he’s coming from,” Fehr said. “One year, your fantasy team’s center fielder hits .320 with 40 home runs. The next year he hits .250 with 15 home runs, and spends a month on the DL. Sounds like steroids to me.”

Waxman added that he is working very hard on finding something else to care about, but that it is a difficult, time-consuming process with a lot of committees and paperwork involved.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!