Tom Brady, Sr. having trouble picking out son’s birthday gift

SAN MATEO, CA — Tom Brady, Sr. – father of New England Patriots’ superstar quarterback Tom Brady – is having a “helluva time” figuring out what to get his son for his 31^st birthday.

“What could I possibly get him? He has it all – money, fame, a supermodel girlfriend. I thought about one of those rabbit things, you know, the thing that opens wine bottles real easy,” the elder Brady told SSNN. “I worked it into a recent conversation we had – you know, just to get a reaction – and he said he has like four of them and offered to give me one if I wanted it. He even keeps one on Giselle’s private jet, ‘just in case.’ Absurd.”

Not only is the younger Brady’s have-it-all-edness an issue on gift-giving occasions, but it has also led to a fundamental shift in his relationship with his father.

“Look, of course I love the kid – he’s my son. But with all of the stuff he does for us now, it’s like, who’s the daddy here?” a clearly downtrodden Brady, Sr. complained. “I mean, I’m almost ready to hand-draw a coupon booklet in crayon for mowing his lawn and washing his car and stuff. What kind of man does that for his son? It’s humiliating.”

Resigning himself to the fact that there is nothing he could buy that would impress his insanely successful son, Brady, Sr. has debated tacking his name on whatever one of his daughters decides to give, or possibly playing the one card he has left in his hand.

“I might just say, ‘You’re welcome for the gift of life,’ and call it a day. I mean, it’s true – no me, no him.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!