Teased for his name as a foal, Big Brown has final whinny

ELMONT, NY — In the hours leading up to his race for the Triple Crown and a spot in horse racing lore, Big Brown is feeling very good about himself.

“Yeah, I’m feeling pretty fuckin’ good right now,” Big Brown told SSNN in an exclusive interview. “I mean, I’m 5-0, undefeated as a mother, bitchin’ everyone in sight, and getting ready to win the Triple Crown today. What’s not to love?”

Things weren’t always so easy for Big Brown, however.

“I’ve had a bit of a rough life,” the three-year-old chestnut bay told SSNN. “People think that it’s been all sheets of roses, but that’s just not the case. When I was younger, I took a lot of shit for my name. Foals can be pretty mean.”

Big Brown said that the other young horses at his stable used to make a lot of fun of him for his name; and the fact that, at the time, he was neither Big nor Brown.

“I heard all the nicknames,” he said. “I’ve got this reddish tint to me, and I wasn’t always so big. So they just used to assault me with nicknames, and a lot of them were really hurtful. Little Brown. Big Red. Little Red Riding Horse. Ugly Horse. Donkeypuncher McMuffin. Big Brown Pile of Shit. You know, stuff like that.”

However, Big Brown says, life is fleeting and you never know the way the sugarcubes are going to fall.

“There was a time when I really let it get to me,” he said. “Then I thought to myself, ‘Fuck it, dude, let’s go bowling,’ so to speak. So that’s exactly what I did – I just said, ‘To hell with them,’ and decided to do my own thing.

“And guess what? It has worked out pretty fucking well. So all of my classmates can just suck a fat one, I guess.”

Whether or not he wins the Belmont Stakes – and thereby the Triple Crown – this evening, Big Brown will have cemented his place in racing history. However, he is extremely hopeful that he will be immortalized alongside the greats of all time, like Secretariat, Seattle Slew and Affirmed.

“Look, I wanna win the Belmont, and I wanna win the Triple Crown,” he said. “I want to win them badly. But I also want all of the haters out there to answer this question: ‘What does Big Brown have in common with a horse that has four hooves, millions of dollars, and is gonna spend the rest of his life nailing the hottest fillies in the land?’ Give up? Everything!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!