Stern to Spurs: no conspiracy, just evened numbered year

BOSTON, MA — NBA Commissioner David Stern released a statement today in response to mounting criticism that the outcome of the NBA Western Conference Finals was fixed. In it he praised the work of the referees, and congratulated both the San Antonio Spurs and Los Angeles Lakers on their respective seasons.

On the topic of a league-wide conspiracy that places network ratings above fair play, Stern was clear: “The league has no agenda on which team represents the Western Conference. The simple fact of the matter is that this is an evened numbered year, and the Spurs can only win championships in odd numbered years, per our 1998 agreement.”

Stern – who refused to answer questions from the media – was presumably referring to the 1998 Draft Lottery, in which the Spurs lucked into the number one pick despite tremendously long odds. The team turned that pick into superstar center-disguised-as-a-power-forward Tim Duncan.

The Boston Celtics, who had been mired in mediocrity since Larry Bird retired, had the best odds of getting the first pick; but the Spurs, who had just experienced their first losing season in a decade, somehow came out on top.

“There is no such thing as luck,” Stern said in his statement.

“It is an even numbered year, isn’t it?” Spurs head coach Greg Popovich said, recalling that the Spurs won their four championships in 1999, 2003, 2005 and 2007. “Son of a bitch… I can never seem to pay attention to those kinds of things.”

Stern concluded his statement by saying that, “if [the Spurs] would have lost to the Phoenix Suns (like they were supposed to) or the New Orleans Hornets (like they were supposed to), then all this conspiracy talk would never have surfaced.”

Tim Duncan was reached for comment, but had nothing even remotely interesting to say.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!