Stern maintains no criminal acts by NBA referees

LOS ANGELES, CA — In an apparent attempt to silence critics in the wake of game-fixing allegations leveled by former referee Tim Donaghy, NBA commissioner David Stern addressed the media yesterday to deny any criminal wrongdoing on the part of his referees.

“The truth is, our referees just suck that bad,” Stern told reporters. “They don’t really get any training; they’re not even really qualified. They’re just a bunch of guys in ugly shirts making their best guesses about what’s going on out there. I don’t know if you know this, but we don’t even pay those guys full time wages – they all have day jobs.”

Donaghy, who has been indicted on multiple charges related to gambling, has said that certain games were fixed – or if not fixed, at least deliberately refereed to give one team some measure of advantage – including Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Sacramento Kings.

In that game, the Lakers had an overwhelming free throw advantage during a fourth quarter comeback that ultimately led to a seven-game victory in the series and an NBA Championship. Stern insists, however, that there was nothing criminal going on – “only incompetence”.

While many were saddened that the reputations of so many men have been tarnished by one bad egg, there are others who have taken an “I told you so” attitude. Some are even downright gleeful that Stern has finally admitted what they believe is the truth.

“Yeah, NBA refs are incompetent,” Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban told SSNN. “Should they be arrested for it? Maybe – because they’re criminally incompetent. Get it?”

Cuban has often battled with Stern – over issues ranging from NBA rules to his own overbearing courtside behavior – and has also been one of the most vocal critics of referees.

“I’m planning on writing a book about my struggles,” said Cuban, who also announced a plan to give free tacos to everyone in America. “The tacos will be wrapped in wax paper with the words ‘I told you so,’ on one side, and ‘NBA: Our referees really suck’ on the other.

“And I’m hoping I can get Stern to sign his name right under where it says ‘really suck.’ I’m awesome.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!