Shields suspend self for “girly punches” following Rays-Red Sox brawl

TAMPA, FL — Apparently the punishment Major League Baseball doled out to Tampa Bay Rays’ starter James Shields following a bench-clearing brawl was not enough for the big right-hander.

Shields, who started the brawl by plunking Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp in the thigh in the second inning, received a six-game suspension from MLB. Now, Shields has added four more games himself for what he terms “girly punches.”

“Did you see me out there?” a devastated Shields told reporters after the announcement of the additional suspension. “I was terrible. I thought I knew how to fight, but man – on tape I look like a fucking amateur.”

Shields’ plunking of Crisp was a response to Crisp’s slide-tackle of Rays’ second baseman Akinori Iwamura the day before. “I had to protect my teammate. Even at the risk of exposing my puny fighting skills.”

While Shields’ own criticism of his performance was harsh enough, he said the decision to increase his suspension was reached after talking with his father.

“He kept saying how ashamed he was,” a teary-eyed Shields told SSNN. “He kept asking me how many times I’ve seen the Sex and the City movie. It’s only been four times, and I don’t really know why he belabored that point, but his overall message was clear enough.”

Shields claims not to have been in a fistfight since he was 13 years old, and admits that he probably should have trained before the big bout. “I knew it was coming, but I didn’t really prepare for it. You would think a group of adults would be able to settle their differences without throwing punches, but I forgot this was baseball. I should have done some training with that Kimbo Slice guy, or at least rented some kickboxing videos.

“The bright side is, I now know that the weakness in my pitching is my inability to throw quick, effective jabs. It’s something I’ll continue to work on during the season and into the off-season, to ensure that this never happens again.”