Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls

BOSTON, MA — In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be led by the Prince of Darkness – Ruler of Hell and Lord of Lies, Lucifer Morningstar – better known as Satan.

“I’m truly honored,” the Evil One told SSNN in an interview conducted through an interdimensional portal. “But I can’t say I’m surprised. After all, those Mass-holes promised me their souls in exchange for Super Bowl trophies for their Patriots, and you wouldn’t believe how many I have on the books after the Red Sox’s two titles. I figured they owed me and, after the parade, I aim to collect. I’ll need a tractor-trailer truck to haul all those souls down to my fiery domain.”

One happy Boston fan, Southie resident Vince McIntyre, expressed his enthusiasm for his city’s latest sports title.

“Fuck yeah I’m excited,” a clearly inebriated McIntyre told SSNN. “I don’t just go shattering bottles in the street after ever win, you know? The fuckin’ Sox won, the fuckin’ Pats win every year, and now the god damn Celtics, too! Yeah I sold my soul – the fuck do I need it for? I’ve never been so fucking happy in my entire fucking life. Fuck! Although I wonder if I can get some restitution after that Tyree catch – I mean, shit, Satan, did God step in or something?”

While in the past, the Dark Lord has often been accuses of tormenting New England sports fans, the relationship has taken a turn for the better in recent years. Though Satan insists it was never deliberate, he does admit that his success with Boston-area teams has led to him ramping up his activity in the area.

“I guess I had a change of heart about five or six years ago. That was when I got the contracts on Tom Brady and Adam Viniateri,” Lucifer explained. “After their success, I picked up Jason Varitek, Big Papi and Manny Ramirez. Who do you think got KG out of Minnesota and Ray Allen out of Seattle? GM ‘genius’ Danny Ainge? I think not. Sure, Paul Pierce has always been a good player, but let’s just say he had a little help this time around.”

When asked about the NHL’s Boston Bruins’ lack of a Stanley Cup championship since 1972, the Great Adversary could offer no help. “Aside from the New Jersey Devils and [New York Islanders LW] Miroslav Satan, I’m not much of a hockey guy. I gave Boston some real nice titles here, but the Devil ain’t wearing ice skates just yet.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!