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News Item

Satan to lead Celtics victory parade, collect on debt of souls

BOSTON, MA — In celebration of their first NBA championship in 22 years, the city of Boston has scheduled a victory parade for their beloved Celtics. The parade will be led by the Prince of Darkness – Ruler of Hell and Lord of Lies, Lucifer Morningstar – better known as Satan.

“I’m truly honored,” the Evil One told SSNN in an interview conducted through an interdimensional portal. “But I can’t say I’m surprised. After all, those Mass-holes promised me their souls in exchange for Super Bowl trophies for their Patriots, and you wouldn’t believe how many I have on the books after the Red Sox’s two titles. I figured they owed me and, after the parade, I aim to collect. I’ll need a tractor-trailer truck to haul all those souls down to my fiery domain.”

One happy Boston fan, Southie resident Vince McIntyre, expressed his enthusiasm for his city’s latest sports title.

“Fuck yeah I’m excited,” a clearly inebriated McIntyre told SSNN. “I don’t just go shattering bottles in the street after ever win, you know? The fuckin’ Sox won, the fuckin’ Pats win every year, and now the god damn Celtics, too! Yeah I sold my soul – the fuck do I need it for? I’ve never been so fucking happy in my entire fucking life. Fuck! Although I wonder if I can get some restitution after that Tyree catch – I mean, shit, Satan, did God step in or something?”

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