Rangers to sponsor “Josh Hamilton Night” in Arlington

ARLINGTON, TX — The Texas Rangers sent out a press release early Monday announcing that the Friday, July 11 home game against the Chicago White Sox has officially been designated “Josh Hamilton Night” at the Ballpark in Arlington.

But this is not your average MLB promotion.

“We wanted to do something a little different for Josh,” Rangers VP of Public Relations Jim Sundberg told SSNN. “We thought about the customary ‘bobblehead night’ or ‘autographed ball night,’ but we really believe that [Hamilton's] incredible production this year and inspiring back story called for more. So, we got in touch with the Colombian government and arranged for five kilos of pure powder cocaine to be flown here.”

According to the press release, the first 5,000 fans under the age of 14 will receive a free gram of uncut cocaine. Adults who wish to honor their star center fielder will not be given drugs outright, but can still receive a complimentary gift upon entry.

“The first 2,000 adults will get a crack pipe engraved with Hamilton’s signature,” Sundberg said excitedly. “A night of hard drugs and baseball. I don’t think Josh would have it any other way. Originally we were going to have Josh sign the pipes himself, but his NA sponsor wasn’t so into that. Still – the engraving will be a replica of his actual signature.”

In a press conference earlier today, the Tarrant County Sheriff’s department gave the promotion its blessing, but not without a battering of questions from reporters. In particular, media members seemed skeptical regarding the safety of simply handing a drug like cocaine to young children.

“Looky here. Ya’ll other sixty-or-so states ain’t the same as us here in Texas,” Deputy Sheriff Tom Chestnutt drawled. “We breed ‘em different down here. Our kids are tough enough to handle a little bit of the stuff. Besides, we got bigger things to worry about – like Mexicans… and rock-and-roll music.”

Hamilton’s former crack dealer Henuario Gonzalez will throw out the first pitch, in what is expected to be a touching and emotional ceremony for the Rangers’ outfielder.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!