PGA to require Tiger’s leg be amputated “for the good of the game”

SAN DIEGO, CA — Following Tiger Woods’ 14^th major championship at the US Open yesterday, the PGA Tour has announced that the golfing great will have to have his injured right leg amputated before he is allowed to participate in future Tour events.

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem made the announcement on the heels of Woods’ dramatic playoff victory over Rocco Mediate at Torrey Pines in California. Woods’ victory was all the more remarkable considering he had knee surgery two months ago and was in visible pain throughout the tournament.

“Nobody is thrilled about this, but it’s for the good of the game. We feel this move is necessary to restore competitive balance to the Tour,” Finchem told reporters. “Obviously the other big stars are afraid of Tiger. The only guys who will actually go out and compete with him are these one-shot wonders that nobody ever hears from again. Remember Rich Beem? Yeah, neither do I.”

Finchem said he’s been kicking around ideas to restore a sense of competitiveness to the Tour for several months, but hit upon the notion of amputation while watching Woods at the Open. “Obviously a major injury to his knee isn’t going to stop him, but it did make him spray his drives around a little bit. So we figured maybe if he has to hop around on just one leg, the other guys might start to think they have a chance.”

But other PGA professionals are skeptical of the plan. The general consensus seems to be that an appendage here or there won’t change the basic fact of Tiger’s dominance.

“I don’t think it will work,” said Ernie Els. “I’d still be afraid of him. I’m pretty sure he can beat us all with just one leg. Maybe if they took an arm, too. Yeah, I think that would ease my mind.”

Tour veteran and major tournament disappointment Sergio Garcia agreed. “He scares the shit out of me. I’d hate to see him running around on a pair of crutches. No bueno.”

For his part, Woods was defiant when told of the Tour’s plans.

“I don’t need the Tour. None of the majors are under the jurisdiction of the Tour,” Woods pointed out. “Well, except for the PGA Championship, but we all know that’s just sort of a half-major. Besides, I could beat these guys with one arm.

Oh, it’s a leg? I mean, whatever – I’m that good.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!