New M’s skipper begging Sexson, Silva to leave

SEATTLE, WA — The pitiful Seattle Mariners fired manager John McLaren on Thursday, in a move expected to be the first of many for interim GM Lee Pelekoudas.

Jim Riggleman has been named as the interim manager, and sources within the organization indicate that he is already setting to work improving the team by asking first baseman Richie Sexon and starter Carlos Silva to leave, and get as far away from Seattle as possible.

“We need a first baseman who can swing the bat, period,” Riggleman told SSNN. “And don’t even get me started on Carlos [Silva]. If I see another Big Mac in his hand, he’s never going to see the field again.”

Sexson, who was a hot commodity when the Mariners signed him to a free agent contract before the 2005 season, hasn’t sniffed .225 since 2006. He also has 66 strikeouts in 2008, equaling the combined number of walks, runs and RBI the 6′8″ first baseman has tallied.

Seattle lists Silva’s weight as 245 pounds, which is presumably intended to be a joke, as the pitcher is widely acknowledged to weigh closer to 300 pounds. He checks in with a record of 3-8 and a 5.79 ERA.

“Getting these guys to just get the hell out of here is a top priority. You might call it parts two and three of the organization’s three-part plan,” Riggleman said. “It’s getting to be so bad, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

Riggleman then flashed a wry smile, chuckled and added, “Although I think that’s because Carlos Silva is standing in the tunnel.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!