NASCAR, horse racing to merge

CHARLOTTE, NC — In another shrewd marketing move, the executives at NASCAR have announced that they are joining forces with the Jockey Club of America and several state horse racing associations to form a new racing league.

“After the relative success of Big Brown’s partnership with UPS, we saw new opportunities to slap corporate logos on things that go around a track,” announced former auto mechanic James Robert “Jim Bob” Jackson, President and CEO of the newly-formed NASHORSE. “With gas prices being what they are now, it’s only a matter of time before everybody travels by horseback again. It’s bound to be the sport of the twenty-first century, y’all!”

The new organization, the National Association of Slapping Horses On their Rears for Savage Entertainment, will launch its inaugural season at next year’s Florida Derby, which will be renamed the Hooters and Horses Hundred Mile Race. Racing’s traditional Triple Crown will also have new sponsors, including the Jim Beam Kentucky Bourbon Derby, extended to one hundred twenty miles; the Marlboro Preakness Stakes, lengthened to one hundred miles; and the Beefeater Gin Belmont Stakes, pushed to a record one hundred fifty miles.

While animal rights activists have raised concerns about the new league’s longer race distances, Jackson stresses the economic benefits for all parties involved.

“Let’s face it, before Big Brown, horse racing was drawing ratings lower than bowling, hockey, or any of those other damn Yankee sissy sports. Our marketing folks have already lined up Smith & Wesson as sponsors of our caution flags in case of a racing, um… mishap involving the horses. At NASCAR, we learned that if you slap a logo on something and make it run around in circles really fast, people will watch. When people watch, sponsors buy ads. When sponsors buy ads, everybody wins! I win, my bitch of an ex-wife wins, my bratty bastard kids win, and that motherfucking divorce attorney of hers wins. I’m sorry – my point is simply that the money starts to flow.”

Another problem animal welfare groups have expressed is the type of paint proposed to detail the logos on the horses’ sides.

But, an exasperated Jackson explained, “It has to be lead-based paint, or else the horses just sweat it right off – we tried everything else we could think of.”

Fans of the traditional Sport of Kings have responded to the changes with mixed emotions.

“I think it’s great,” said veterinarian and long-time horse aficionado Dr. Peter Specter. “I know that with the longer races, it’s going to take something ’special’ to keep those horses ‘energized’ for that long. I’ll be moving my special Equine Energy Drinks in bulk now.”

“Four-hour races?” asked Vinny Scuzzutti, a concrete worker from Brooklyn. “Fuggedaboudit! I don’t have that kind of time. I have to go see this guy about this thing over here, you know? Are you recording this?”

But Jackson and his cohorts are not to be discouraged. “We’re real excited. This is truly a sport that has all the things that made America great: big corporate money, crazy gamblers, hard-drinking fans, and short little fellas riding on huge animals like kids on a carousel – a hot, sweaty, possibly deadly carousel. You can slap me silly and call me Sallly if that ain’t good TV!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!