MRI discovers beer bottles, license plate in Youkilis’ beard

BOSTON, MA — Boston Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis went in for an MRI Tuesday on his injured right eye, but what doctors found – and where they found it – shocked everybody.

“As Kevin lay in the tunnel, we saw several odd shapes and colors just below the chin area,” Doctor Stephen Jenkins, MRI technician at Massachusetts General Hospital recalled. “When he came out, we put some rubber gloves on and went where no one has ever dared to go: elbow deep into his goatee.”

Doctors removed three empty Samuel Adams Boston Lager bottles and a license plate, among other things. Youkilis offered an explanation to puzzled reporters about how the objects could have gotten there.

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“One night in the offseason, me and ‘Tek [Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek] went out and had about fifty beers apiece, give or take five or so,” Youkilis admitted to SSNN. “I vaguely remember him daring me to eat a car shortly before I passed out. Ha! I totally forgot about that ’til the docs told me the license plate was in there.”

Regarding his eye, the results of the MRI were negative for any tissue damage. Youkilis was injured during Monday night’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks when a warmup throw from Mike Lowell took an awkward hop off the ground and hit the first baseman directly in the right eye. Youkilis missed the game, but was expected to be back within the week, and the MRI was considered precautionary

Also found in the goatee were a fork, a T-bone steak, a ceiling fan and a Def Leppard CD. “Man, I had been looking for that for over a year,” Youkilis said about the latter.

Youkilis says he will auction off all the items found in his beard, except the Def Leppard CD. The proceeds will go to the Kevin Youkilis Foundation, which supports underprivileged children who cannot grow beards.