M.I.T. prof discovers equation to determine real age of Dominican players

BOSTON, MA — M.I.T. mathematics professor James A. Howard has come up with a formula to determine the real age of Dominican-born Major Leaguers.

An avid baseball fan, Professor Howard was discouraged earlier in the season when he found out that Miguel Tejada was actually two years older than he everyone around baseball believed.

“I thought it was about time for the public to know the real ages of their favorite players,” Howard told SSNN. “So I decided to find a way to make this happen.”

Working in conjunction with the Harvard School of Medicine – and using data taken from tissue samples, carbon dating results from birth certificates, and DNA evidence – Howard came up with the mathematical equation that may land him a Nobel Prize in Physiology/Medicine for 2008.

“You take their alleged age – the age they say they are – and multiply that by the number of letters in the city where they made their Major League debut, then multiply the number of letters in the city they were born in (allegedly) by 21. Then add the results from those two equations, take the sum and divide by nine. That gives you the real age of the player.”

Tejada, of course, had been claiming to be 31 years old at the beginning of the season, and ESPN investigative reporters discovered he is really 33. But he is not the only player who appears to have been lying about his age, as Professor Howard’s revelation is now rippling through the league.

Luis Vizcáino, relief pitcher for the Colorado Rockies, denied being 35 (he claims he is 33). Manny Ramirez, the Boston Red Sox slugger, upon being told he was really 64, and not 36, shrugged and said, “I play baseball, man. I hit. I am me. It’s just Manny being Manny.”

“There’s a few more age-revealing formulas in the works,” Howard added at the end of SSNN’s interview. “I’ve been trying to come up with one for Cubans, using El Duque [Orlando Hernandez] as my test subject. But I’m not sure if all the kinks are worked out yet – I keep coming up with the same age: 126.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!