Mayweather still insists he’s retired

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Less than a week after announcing his retirement from boxing, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. once again reiterated to SSNN that he is done with the sweet science.

A cocky, yet emotional Mayweather said he no longer loves the sport like he once did, and the only reason he could find to stay was the money. The undefeated fighter told SSNN that over the years he has simply become more interested in other things.

“The older I get the more I realize I don’t love being a boxer, I love being a douchebag,” he said. “And I don’t want to wake up five years from now and wonder how great of a douchebag I could have been. I’m still young and I have all the money a douchebag could ask for, so I might as well do what I love.”

Mayweather added he has already scheduled a summer full of stunts to constantly remind people how much of a douchebag he really can be. He said he will continue to flirt with mixed martial arts, only to back out at the last second; he also hopes to make another appearance with World Wrestling Entertainment.

The ex-fighter even has a couple new tricks up his sleeve in hopes of taking his douchebaggery to a new level. “I’ve thought seriously about buying the Cubs. Nothing says douchebag like the Cubs.”

He is also planning to officially change his name to “Greatest Fighter Ever.”

“It’s subtle, you know. I could have gone with Greatest D-Bag of All-Time, but that’s too in your face,” Mayweather pointed out. “Instead, I thought I should go with something that reminds you how great a fighter I was, and at the same time reminds you how much of an ass I continue to be. You don’t even have to tell me how great of an idea it is, because I already know.”

Mayweather said he will essentially do anything he can to go down as the most memorable douchebag of this generation – as long as it doesn’t require him ever entering the boxing ring again.

“If I continue fighting, people are only going to remember me as a boxer,” he said. “And that’s just not what I want my legacy to be – ideally, people will forever recall that I was just as much douchebag as boxer.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!