Mariners hope to replace Sexson with Moose

SEATTLE, WA — Floundering at the bottom of the AL West and rapidly falling out of playoff contention, the Seattle Mariners may follow the firing of manager John McLaren with an even bolder plan to return some of the dignity to the Seattle baseball club.

Reports from within the Mariner organization suggest that the squad may replace struggling first baseman Richie Sexson with team mascot Mariner Moose. Though playing for the team is not part of the mascot’s contract, the decision to give the Moose a chance does not come as a surprise given that the only alternative is dipping into a woeful collection of talentless bench players.

“The option has definitely been taken into consideration,” said Jim Riggleman, who was promoted from bench coach to manager with the dismissal of McLaren. “The Mariner Moose is unquestionably a baseball enthusiast. Even with the dismal showing the team has given all season, the Moose is out there in the stands interacting with fans or performing antics of an amusing nature on the field. The guy’s work ethic is unmatched, at least in this clubhouse.”

Riggleman remained calm throughout the interview, at times even appearing confident, leaving pundits to speculate that the new manager is not fully aware of how utterly terrible the team he has been given charge of truly is.

“Mariner Moose exhibits the sort of attitude and love of the game which will clearly lift him into a leadership role, if he chooses to accept our offer. If he refuses, we may try to deal him to the San Diego Padres for the Swinging Friar,” Riggleman went on. “While we would definitely prefer to have the Moose on our team, we’ve watched the tapes and it is quite clear that the Friar has more talent to offer than most of the guys we trot out there now. He’s not as good defensively as Moose, but he swings a mean stick.”

Asked whether or not the league would allow this unexpected replacement, Riggleman pointed out that “they let Billy Crystal play for the Yankees. Surely it can’t be a large step to allow a giant Moose into the game.”

The players seem to be taking the situation in stride and some even relish the opportunity to play with such an animated character.

“The Mariner Moose is an exciting part of our club,” said Mariners pitcher Miguel Batista. “I’ve heard that most of our fans prefer to watch him rather than our performance on the field. It’s been clear for some time that it will take something big to turn this team around. Sure, it might be controversial or maybe even illegal to play a mascot – but hell, our team really can’t get any worse, can it?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!